Burn
by redloserpaw
Summary: [BLACKBOOKS FANFIC]. Very light. Set a few months after final episode. Bernard returns from his 'holiday' reformed and with two things on his mind: Sunshine and revenge.


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(C) 2002. alison.  
All characters belong to their owners, author is just a fan.   
  
  
*Burn*  
  
  
Bernard, with a suitcase in one hand and a cage in the other, walked through the door as Fran and Manny, shocked at the sight before them, looked on.  
  
"Bernard?" Manny asked, not entirely sure of the man: clean-shaven and dressed, his hair cut short into a business look and reeking of cologne.  
  
"Back already?" Fran asked.  
  
"Yep," Bernard replied, dumping his things on the table and re-taking claim of his seat, all the while watching Manny move over to take a closer look.   
  
"What happened?"  
  
Rapping his fingers against the table, Bernard looked at him. "What?"  
  
"You. Your hair... your clothes... your body odour."  
  
Bernard lifted his arm to smell his armpit, and, with his hand in the air, self-consciously patted at his hair. "I don't know what you're talking about."  
  
"Have you looked in the mirror lately?" Fran asked, moving over next to Manny. "It looks like someone attacked you with a scrubbing brush. You almost look... hygienic."  
  
"Hygiene is of the utmost importance to me, thank-you very much," Bernard replied, leaning back in the chair and eyeing them. "Perhaps I can give you two a few pointers."  
  
Suddenly, the cage started mewing, so Bernard reached over and opened the door. A small black kitten timidly walked out as Manny and Fran continued to look on with disbelief.  
  
"You've got a cat?" Fran asked.  
  
"It's a parting gift from my holiday girl," Bernard replied, opening his suitcase for some cat food tins.  
  
"Holiday girls aren't supposed to give parting gifts," Manny stated, watching the kitten walk over to the sofa.  
  
"I know," Bernard replied, peeling the top off a can. "But *she* did."  
  
"Wait! *You've* got a holiday girl?" Fran asked.  
  
"No, I *had* a holiday girl, but obviously not anymore since my holidays are over."  
  
"Since when do you get girls, let alone holiday girls?"  
  
"I get girls," Bernard boasted. "They find my manly charm attractive and irresistable."  
  
Fran watched him, completely disbelieving. "Oh I get it, you met her at an evil rehab clinic where they attacked you with soberism."  
  
"No! Well...yes, but that's nothing to do with the point."  
  
"Sure Bernard, "Fran repleid. "What's the cat's name?"  
  
"Sunshine."  
  
"Sunshine?" Manny asked, a grin forming on his lips. "Did *she* name it?"  
  
"No, I did. I think it's a very fitting and suitable name."  
  
"For a black cat?" Fran said.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"A black cat that looks like it fell off a witches broom?" Fran continued.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"A... male black cat?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Alright," she said, dropping the topic as she watched Bernard make kissing noises to the cat while waving the open tin of food around. "What *are* you doing?"  
  
"It's lunch time, and Sunshine is hungry."  
  
"This is too weird," Manny said to Fran as Bernard went on all fours, still making kissing noises and chasing after the kitten.  
  
"I'll say. He looks scary with those clothes all neatly pressed and his hair combed," she replied. "And not even asked for a drink yet!"  
  
"Did you see his suitcase? Everything folded."  
  
"There's only one explanation..." Fran said.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"He got kidnapped by aliens and they anally-probed him."  
  
"Obviously."  
  
***  
  
Manny awoke to a vacuum-cleaner moving around his bed, the noise completely unfamiliar to him.  
  
"Wakey-wakey," Bernard said, raising his voice to be heard above the suction.  
  
"What is that?" Manny asked, pointing to the vacuum.  
  
"It's a sucker-thing."  
  
"Where did it come from?"  
  
"I bought it this morning."  
  
Manny looked at his watch. 7.06am. "It's seven! What electrical stores are open at seven in the flippin' morning?! And what the hell are you doing *awake* at seven in the morning?"  
  
"I wake up at five everyday."  
  
He looked at Bernard; the man, who he once feared, is now still making him completely afraid. If Bernard, who last night swore he'd quit smoking, drinking, meat and animal products and all things Bernard, had become this... thing, then the end of the world was approaching quickly. Damn those aliens.  
  
"Listen Bernard, we need to talk."  
  
"I agree," Bernard replied, turning off the vacuum-cleaner. "Come downstairs, I made pancakes."  
  
***  
  
"What the hell is going on here?" Fran demanded as she watched Bernard and Manny attack the shop wall with a pair of picks.  
  
"Bernard's got a plan," Manny replied, wiping the sweat off his brow.  
  
"Oh really?" she said, sitting on the sofa and opening a bottle of wine. "You mean scaring off what few customers we have already?"  
  
"Only for today," Manny replied. "It's a reeaaalllyyy good plan."  
  
"Well what is it?"  
  
"We're going to burn down Goliath Books and bring back our customers."  
  
Silently, Fran looked at them as she sipped her wine, contemplating.  
  
"Well?" Manny asked.  
  
"It's brilliant!" she replied. "But why the wall?"  
  
"We'll crawl through, light a fire in the middle of the night, crawl back out and watch it burn."  
  
"Right, I get ya," she said. "Wouldn't it be easier if you just broke the front window and threw in a couple of burning rags?"  
  
Bernard and Manny looked at each other through the dust of the brick wall.  
  
"No, this way is better," Bernard replied defensively as he hacked at the wall.  
  
"But what if the fire comes through?"  
  
"It won't come through," he said, motioning for Manny to continue working.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"We're building it back up," Manny interrupted.  
  
"The wall?"  
  
"Yes. The wall. So are you going to help?"  
  
"No," Fran replied, pouring more wine into her glass. "I just got my hair done."  
  
***  
  
~Later that night...~  
  
"Lighter?"  
  
"Check."  
  
"Fuel?"  
  
"Check."  
  
"Masks?"  
  
"Check."  
  
"What else?"  
  
"Uhh," Manny thought. "Nothing. Let's go."  
  
"No," Bernard said, standing between him and the hole in the wall. "I'd like to say a few words first."  
  
Manny and Fran groaned as they moved over to the sofa and sat down. This could take a while.  
  
"Goliath Books first drove me away with incessant noise, forcing me to flee my shop for a holiday first in a plane and then in a reform clinic for drunk-driving; and *then* it took my customers and money from me with their new books and fancy coffee and perky service. But I was here first! And I *will* stake my claim again! Now I shall have my revenge!" Bernard smiled triumphantly.  
  
"You done?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Silently, each of them crawled into the dark hole.  
  
***  
  
Putting the last brick in place, Manny sat back in fatigue and triumph. The bricks were already warm from the fire raging on the other side. It was agreed to wait at least 20 minutes for some damage to be done, and then call the fire brigade, resulting in them becoming heroes as well.  
  
"Come on Manny," Fran said, patting the seat next to her and holding out a glass of bubbly for him. "The show's already started."  
  
Bernard walked out of the kitchen, frowning. "Where's Sunshine?"  
  
"I don't know. Probably asleep somewhere. Now come over and have a drink," Fran said.  
  
"Last time I saw Sunshine he was waiting by the wall we went through," Manny said, taking a sip.  
  
Bernard looked at him. "He was waiting by the wall?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Watching us go through?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
Bernard looked at the rebuilt wall and then at Manny. "Perhaps even follow us through?"  
  
"Probably."  
  
"Perhaps stuck in a burning store with no way out?" his voice getting louder.  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"You idiot!" Bernard yelled as he dived for the wall, trying to pull the bricks back, but recoiling from the heat. "We have to save Sunshine!"  
  
"Oh Bernard, it's probably too late," Fran murmured, pouring a glass of alcohol for him to quell the pain.  
  
"No! Call the police!" he yelled, running out the door.  
  
Fran and Manny heard a breaking of glass. Following quickly, the saw Bernard dash into the burning store screaming the cat's name.  
  
"Bernard!" Manny yelled as Fran went back inside Blackbooks to find a most likely non-existant fire extinguisher. Back outside, a small crowd had rapidly formed on the sidewalk with Manny, all curious to see the man run around in the fire-filled store.  
  
In the distance, sirens could be heard.  
  
***  
  
~The next day...~  
  
Manny sat in the chair, stroking Sunshine as he lay on his stomach, purring. Occasionally he glanced at Bernard, lying on the couch, bandages lining his arms, legs and head.  
  
"C'mon, he wants you," Manny said, still stroking the cat.  
  
"Get that damn cat out of my shop," Bernard muttered, struggling with the stiff bandages to bring the bottle of wine to his mouth. "I don't want to see it ever again."  
  
"Hi," Fran said, walking through the door.  
  
"Where's my ointment?" Bernard demanded.  
  
"There," she replied, throwing a paper bag over to him. "Look who's in the newspaper!"  
  
"Throw it away," Bernard grumbled as he strained to reach the bag that landed short.  
  
Opening to a page in the back, Fran read aloud:  
  
"Hero saves bookstore and cat.  
Last night Bernard Black risked his life to save chain Goliath Books from being burnt down by breaking in the front window and extinguishing the fire, rescuing a trapped cat in the process.  
Authorities rule the fire, started late at night, to be suspicious, but only approximately two hundred dollars worth of books and a cabnet was lost.  
Nextdoor neighbour and bookstore competitor, Black escaped with minor burns and scratches.  
To reward his heroic efforts, Goliath Books has given Black a one hundred dollar voucher at any chain store across the country.  
  
You're a hero, Bernard."  
  
"Shuddup," he muttered, "Where are my happy sticks?"  
  
"Here," she said, giving him one of her cigarettes and lighting it for him.  
  
Bernard spat out the old stub and started sucking on the fresh cigarette, his frown permanently stuck on his face.  
  
"At least you got some publicity for the shop," Manny offered.   
  
Bernard shot him a dirty look as he tried again to get the wine bottle in his mouth. Instead it fell onto the floor, leaving him covered in red liquid. Defeated, he slumped his head back and closed his eyes.  
  
"Well I guess things are back to normal then," Fran said, picking up the bottle and taking a swig.  
  
*** 


End file.
